Now What???

Waiting has got to be one of the hardest things that humans endure. Since the beginning of time, man has waited for...something. In the case of Adam it was a helper named Eve. How long did he wait for her to arrive? The Bible is not clear but we do know that she eventually came and with her came his downfall. They could not wait for God's blessing but instead took it upon themselves to get what they wanted. Of course, bad things resulted.

I find myself waiting to hear a "yes" or "no" from the University of Oklahoma. Like most other things I have "wanted" in the past couple of years or during my whole life for that matter, I find myself unable to wait and to start looking for things to fill those voids. I did not allow for God to direct my career path after high school so I found myself in the Air Force doing a job I did not like. I guess that I look on my own because I end up waiting for what I feel is too long and end up not liking what I get or I wait a long time and end up hearing "no." The Air Force Office of Special Investigations said "no" twice. The Air Force commissioning board said "no", the Universities of Missouri in Columbia, St. Louis, and Kansas City each said "no." Oklahoma State University said "no."

Although I am not too optimistic about hearing a "yes" from OU, I can't help but continue to find myself waiting. What are my options? I can wait and hear a "yes" or "no." Of course, if it is a no, I do have other options but its almost like I feel a part of myself die a little. Why do I feel driven to do something or accomplish something even though I keep hearing "no"? And every time I hear "no" and another piece of me dies, at what point do I throw in the towel, cut my losses, and try something else? When its your future career that you are betting on, at what point do you say, "I can't keep putting my life and family on hold to pursue a career."? How much of my family's life must I disrupt to accomplish my dreams? Why does following your passion devour so much of your time and hurt so much without having any guarantee of not only success and happiness, but even a career that you can wake up to every morning and not hate that you have to go to? I do not expect to be one of those people who LOVES their job, but to just not have to wake up and say, "Do I really have to go to work today?" would really be alright with me.

If I continue to pursue my dream and I acquire my desired profession, will I even want it anymore because I have spent so much time pursuing it and being hurt by it? I mean, is it even really what I want? It's not like I was born with this burning desire to be a psychologist but I just don't know what else to do. Counseling barely pays the bills and "The Suck" pays even less and is even less rewarding. I pray and pray but continue to not hear any answer other than "NO" or "wait." I mean really God, is it too much to ask for a job that gives me a comfortable life and one that I enjoy? It's not like I am asking for a job where others are envious of me and I make a million dollars a year. I am not asking for fame, fortune, or adoration but just a career that gives me a little autonomy and the ability to help others.

...And so, I wait. And I ask, "Now what?"

However, if OU calls me sometime this week, what will happen if they say "YES?"