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Buddy has clothes that reference me, his father. Shirts and onesies say things like "Cute like daddy" or "Daddy's little helper" or "My dad is so cool, he is the best dad in the world and when I grow up, I want to be like him because he is so cool and awesome and is the bestest ever, in the whole world." Well, okay that last one was made up but it just got me thinking that at that age, his mother and father are the best people in the world. They seem like perfect giants. At a young age, kids see no wrong in their parents, they only feel for them adoration, respect, and a healthy dose of fear. But as they get older, their idolization of their parents fade. The kids see their parents' mistakes. They see their parents' failures and they lose a little of their innocence.

This thought has occurred to me when I find myself saying "NO" to buddy. I wonder if I am being too hard on him. Am I setting him up for failure? Am I being a good Christian example for him? Are my rules there for no reason, as if breaking them will not harm him but maybe just devalue my stuff that he likes to destroy?

What brought this thinking on was a situation at work. I was confronted again with a scenario that I had experienced six years ago. And I know I failed that test completely. Six years ago, when stationed at RAF Lakenheath, my supervisor called me into the office to give me a LOR or Letter of Reprimand because I failed to complete a self-directed training course in the allotted time. The way I saw it at the time was that I was in the right because given my rank at the time, I was qualified. I was even qualified to promote up to the next level and still be adequate with my training. So, the fact that he was telling me to complete this training just did not make any sense. This self-righteousness caused me to go into the meeting and verbalize my disappointment with his directive and his leadership ability. I thought that because the Air Force said I was qualified, I did not need to listen to him tell me I needed to go further in my training, especially considering that I was separating from the Air Force in a few months and I had no desire to continue in that career field in the civilian sector. It could not have been any later than a day or two when I read from the Bible about giving to those who are in authority over us what they deserve, be it respect, honor, etc. And a day after that I read about how we are not wronged if we are punished for doing wrong, rather if we do right and are punished, then we can rejoice in our perseverance because we were right.

From that moment on, I decided that if I were to be put in that position again, I would do what I was told to do whether I disagreed or not, within reason of course. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. My subordinates were given a "directive" by my boss's, boss's, boss, the director of our part of the company. I emphasize "directive" because that is how my boss describes it. When I received the e-mail, I read it and it appeared to me to be a suggestion or a recommendation or even a favor. A request really. It did not read like a directive. He used phrases such as "I know that by asking you" and "it is my hope" and "I would like." So, over the next two weeks, as that is how long the assignment was to take, that is how I viewed it, as a request.

Wouldn't you know it but one of my subordinates failed to turn in the assignment. Later the next week when the director sent out an e-mail saying who had yet to turn in the assignment, my subordinate replied and copied me on the e-mail. He wrote I'm sorry a couple of times and I know I let you down and I will understand if paperwork comes out of this, etc. First, I was disappointed because I wanted to talk to my subordinate about the assignment before he wrote that e-mail. He was definitely never in the military. But the next week, during my supervision with my boss, she asked me how I planned on dealing with the situation. I said tentatively, I guess write him up??? She nodded. So then I said, so it was a mandatory assignment and she said yes. I dropped the subject.

Well I ended up writing up my subordinate the following week but not after mulling it over a lot during the weekend. The day after writing him up, I brought up to my boss my thoughts about the whole topic and that was the driving force behind this post.

Much like 6 years earlier, I had the opportunity to voice my objection about something to a superior. The difference going into this meeting was that beforehand, I did what I was expected to do, unlike that similar meeting 6 years earlier. I wrote up the counseling memo for my subordinate, directed the counseling session with him and my supervisor present, and at no time did I destroy the integrity of the organizational structure by telling my subordinate exactly how I felt about the situation. Here is how my meeting with my supervisor went...

After covering the regular contents of our weekly meeting such as client issues, subordinate issues, paperwork issues, etc. I brought up how I felt about the "directive." I told her that I did not see it as a directive given the language used in the e-mail and that I was ready, willing, and able to not write up my subordinate and instead defend him if he saw fit to defend himself. I told her that he kind of shot himself in the foot by sending the e-mail before speaking to me about it but that if he would have stated that he believed the assignment to be a request and not a directive, I would have backed him.

So, using reflective statements and in my opinion a little bit of arrogance, she said, "So in your world, you believe..." (with the emphasis on your, as if like only I could come to that conclusion given the wording in the e-mail) and "I hear you saying" and "you believe". All of which are legitimate reflections but given the situation, it came across as her being defensive, like there was no way in the world it was anything but a directive. And her defense was, "well it came from the director." Of course, I was thinking, "well even if it came from God, a request is a request. If you ask a subordinate for something, and he says no, well that's one of the downsides of asking instead of telling." But I repeated that given the wording, it just seemed like a request. Than she said, "well if it was unclear, you should have asked for clarification." But that's just the point. I did not need clarification because to me, it was a request. I did say that but in a nicer way of course.

Her final point on the topic was, well I hope that if you decide to work in a business in the future, you could learn to read more between the lines. And just like I did 6 years ago, I gave my opinion. I said, "and I will just as well turn that around and recommend that you and the rest of the management could learn to be more direct in your communication." It was at that moment that I saw a few very clear similarities between her and my supervisor of 6 years ago. It floors me sometimes that people just assume that an error in communication is your fault and never theirs. I see in her the need to control things. At times I have felt that my team was not even my team. When I would make a decision, she would tell me to do something different, or second guess my decision. Often I felt more like her assistant than a supervisor.

I could also tell from her response to my final point, that she just ignored it. She did not come out and say it and her non-verbals were very limited but when you get to know how some people act after being around them for a while and hearing them speak, and recognizing their thought patterns, you can almost read their minds. The look in her eye was "okay, so this supervisor who I do not think is very good at his job is telling me, the person who has years more of experience than he, that I should learn something? Ya, I don't think so." I think it is that attitude of defensiveness and stubbornness that prevents people from looking inside themselves and growing. I know a few of her weaknesses and several of her failures. I have not pointed those out to her because what good would it do me? If she gets defensive and tunes out my advice because of the position she has relegated me to in her mind, than what good would it do to show her how she could improve.

In fact, I noticed today a failure of hers. The director sent out another e-mail asking supervisors to send an e-mail out to two specific people informing them of the names and dates the supervisors subordinates have attended the training. That's right, that is attended as in the past tense. My boss e-mailed me to copy her on that e-mail. Now considering the training is not until after I leave, I cannot e-mail those two people about what dates they attended the training. So, I e-mailed them the projected training dates. Of course one of the two people e-mailed back that that does no good to know the projected dates, rather she needs to know the dates they actually attended. My boss replied to her with well I asked Mike to send me a list of names and dates of those attending and I will follow-up with the firm dates after the training is over. Actually, No, that's not what you said. You told me to copy you on the e-mail I sent them. No admission of "I told him to e-mail that info to you." Whatever. I really don't think she is that bad of a boss. I think she has more positives than negatives, more strengths than weaknesses. But why is that I have had a string of not that great of leaders? Am I just getting to the point when I can see everyone's weaknesses and failures given enough time? Do I expect perfection from my superiors?

At the end of the day, who cares? My last day at the Suck will be in two days and I may never see her again. But to bring it full circle, at what point will my son realize that I am not perfect. At what point will he reason that he is right and that I am wrong, as that is bound to happen given enough time and my nature as a human? Will I recognize my faults then as I feel I am able to do now? Will I be willing to smooth those rough spots or be content despite knowing they are there? Will my son ever get to the point when he says "who cares? My last day living under this roof is just around the corner and I will only have to see him during the holidays"? Will he look upon his baby clothes and those faded cliche's with a sense of nostalgia and warmth over what a great dad I was or will his understanding of human nature make him cynical and think himself foolish for ever entertaining such "Father Knows Best" nonsense. It is my prayer that it be the former.